Monday I was waking up at the GranBell Hotel in Shibuya, Wednesday I woke up in Williamsburg, and now I’m writing from my parents attic trying to make sense of the past two and a half weeks and realizing I live here again.

My following posts will be devoted to Tokyo. I cannot quite  put into words what really happened there, especially towards the end. I just know that Tokyo, you are a beautiful place, and I have this crazy place for you in my heart. If you weren’t shit expensive and 7,000 miles away from everyone I love, you would be it. I’d live there. Absolutely. For half a year or something yeah. I would.

I knew what took place there wouldn’t affect me until I was back in Rochester. I flew back to JFK Tuesday leaving from NARITA at 7pm, got to New York at 7pm. A whole day went by sort of. And it was an easy transition because well, New York is my home. Seeing that city makes me freak out on the plane, I love you. So I was still excited. Wanted to get out of the plane and kiss the ground.

Until Thursday around 1pm when I took that 45 minute flight I’m so used to back to Rochester. Then I remembered “Oh right.”

I haven’t processed much. I’m still like, “I was in fucking Japan?” I was in New York one full day and all my friends were like “Why the hell were you in Japan?” and I’m still like “Dunno dude.” I texted Pase today and said “Yo, I miss Tokyo” and he was like “I know. Let’s move.” Again, he’s been there 11 times so he has ties there, and for me, I’m not sure. It was so life changing. I feel stupid saying that, but it so was. The people are just amazing. And we met incredible people, I didn’t want to leave.

“Did you shoot a bunch???” No. Yeah. I know. Only a few times did I have the itch to take my RB out. I couldn’t understand why. I felt bad. Like real shitty because all the pressures of like “Well, it’s JAPAN, I HAVE TO.” But, I rarely wanted to and now I know why. I always document. At shows I’m the chick with the video camera. At lunch I’m always the one taking a picture of my food on my phone. I didn’t want to do that here. I wanted to experience what was fucking happening. I didn’t want to do it by looking through the camera. And I’ve realized I experience many things that way. But I wasn’t ever looking. I saw it through this filtered mess.

Tokyo was beyond incredible for that to happen. That place is meant to change your life.

I shot three 120 rolls. They were of Pase. That was the deal. He needed photos. And I shot like 6 35mm rolls so I mean, yes, I shot. But no, I didn’t come home with bags of 120. Not this time.

Ever feel just like physical stress from lack of time? Like complete just fucking suffocation. I feel that way. If someone else asks me “When are you moving to New York?” I will freak out. Listen. I don’t know. I have no idea. I can’t think that far ahead. I don’t even come back til April 1st. I moved and went to Japan. My shit is in boxes. I live in a goddamn attic. My portfolio is now obsolete. A year old. Needs to be reprinted. Film needs to be scanned. My website is bullshit. I need to revamp my life. Why is there never time? I need a Xanax. I just want to sit in ESP for a week and fix my life. My “career.”

But what is my life? Do I want to be a photographer? I’ve been applying for agent positions. I even went to an interview Wednesday. So what am I doing? I don’t know. I almost feel bad for traveling. Like I should focus on moving to the city. I think about that all the time, I really do, but if I can’t cool off for a month now, when can I?

I vented. I had to do that.

A rather ironic thing happened yesterday which somehow led to me suddenly shooting Uffie again next Monday. Universe u crazy. I’m hoping this is some good karma I’ve acquired for the other photo not working out, but I’m pretty sure it’s coincidental. My flight to Miami next Tuesday leaves from JFK so I’m going to NY friday just to hang out until then. I was internet lurking and saw she has a show while I’m there so I messaged her publicist being like “O hey coincidence!” So, Foam magazine was going to shoot her in LA but he mentioned it could be done in NY if they were into it by (me!)

It’s real nice to have a second chance, and shoot her like how I wanted to in the first place. But let me say, the mobility of 35mm was really fun. I almost feel bad abandoning 120, and RB you’re so good to me but you’re such a restricting pain sometimes.

The amount of pictures and videos I have from Japan are overwhelming. So I won’t kill you with it. But here are some of my favorite pictures taken on my Blackberry. All can be seen here.

Until Wednesday……………….