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I don’t even know what day it is.

March 3, 2010

Listen,

I never want to leave. Tokyo, I love you.

Being here is like being in New York in some ways. It’s very comfortable. It’s a very familiar feeling and way of life I really enjoy. I guess this is how most international cities are like, Paris, London, NY, LA, etc. It’s just 24/7 surreal to me. I’m like, “how do people live here?” I’m so drawn to it it’s crazy. The people are so fucking polite, kind, lovely… the language barrier deal is still killing me, but that lack of communication is so endearing. Just a bunch of polite smiles and nods, leading to some sort of understanding between both people.

I think I lost what I was doing like day 4. I can’t even remember. It’s been so much shit. And we still have until Tuesday here. I would live here. I so would. For a couple months I think. And make work. It’s been life changing to say the least.

I can’t believe I’m 7,000 miles away. I finally have gotten used to the jet lag, yes it’s 12:30pm while you are ending your day, I am starting mine. I’m watching television that I don’t understand and I hear Pase snooring. I’m sorry to put you on blast, but you are. Lovez u.

I think that’s been one of my favorite aspects of this trip — the bond that we are developing that I think can only be made by traveling with someone on such an intimate level. I feel like we are fucking touring — cramped corners, constant moving, lack of sleep. But when we finally do get to hang out and chill, it’s lots of life talks, cigarettes (you can smoke inside) and lovely dinners. Pase, I know you hate the internet, but if you read this, I love you homie. Thank you for everything. BIG IN JAPAN!

Forgive Pase for looking like a convicted felon, we made him shave his beard last night. Looks about 15 now. But these little babiez are made by the Cheki. We have YONNNNNE to thank for this camera and his collab with Fuji.

He has two he brought along so I’ve been going nuts with it. Instant fun. I so want one.

We haven’t raged out on the town actually. We are going to try to go to this club tonight that he is DJing at tomorrow. For the most part we’ve been doing the like, life changing shit. Yeah I said that. I’m talking about temples in your fucking face, lots of beautiful monuments, all of that. It’s made me feel real small, real fast. It’s been incredible. It was fun to get away from the mainstreamy part of Tokyo (sort of like how Times Square would be to NY) and see some real shit. Tiny little roads, lanterns lit with different colors — certain imagery I could only conjure up in dreams.

So we were walking around and then this happened.

WE FOUND PURIKURA! プリクラ Which is a word derived from their type of Photo Booth. God. I had a fucking seizure in that place. Just watch these videos. First one is us searching for one then entering the place. It’s just sensory overload. The second is after have completed the photos and printing them out. Try not to die with the music.




That shit is crazy. I’m so fascinated by it. Like why, whyyyyyy! The way they portray girls is just beyond me. I’m so into it. I get it you know, like I get why it is. But experiencing it was a different thing.


So it happened. Tuesday we found Yone in front of La Foret in Harajuku and I was stoked. Yes I wanted my picture taken, but for the most part I just wanted to hear him talk. I’m really intrigued by the work. On a surface level it can look really raunchy lacking substance — I used to think that. But hearing him discuss it made me realize what it really is. It’s a study of Japanese girls honestly, the differences in how they are portrayed by society and their liberated versions. To me anyways, not his words. That’s how I see it, and that’s where I find the beauty in Yone’s work, especially this book Tokyo Amour.

Yone knows everyone. We were walking to one of his many studios and it was all “what uppp” to anyone walking. We picked up this one girl named Myu, she helped translate sorta. She has been photographed by Yone and is a dancer. After this little introductory meeting we left and went to his actual studio, the first one was a private one. And this shit was crazy. Like I’m saying all IKEA-ed out, painted walls, beautiful view, straight retarded. Blah I died. We kept running into people on the street, or he’d invite people over ranging from 20 year old models to adults in their 40s just all there to hang.

I was straight blazed and received godamn shiatsu from Yone. Apparently he’s known for his killer massages. I died. So painful, you don’t realize how much toil your body receives. My wrists, my temples, my neck. He dug his knee into my back. AMAZING. Like, I can’t believe that happened. I’m still laughing about it.

Oh right. I have another fascination with their television programs. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me what this show was about.

I come home Tuesday, leave Narita at 7pm and arrive in New York at 6pm. I’ll be there two days. I think within those two days I’ll feel the effects of Japan. Right now I can’t. I haven’t even processed the fact that I graduated college. I really haven’t.

Anyways, I’ve bombarded the internet enough with my rants.

Tokyo, you’re beautiful.

xo,

ysa

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day 1 feels like day 5.

February 28, 2010

konnichiwa from japan.

it’s 5:55pm on this lovely sunday and i am looking out from keio plaza and enjoying this sick view. pase is cat napping. and i’m a robot i guess. i haven’t had proper sleep in forever. but i’m… fine with it. my left eye is bloodshot though. i just can’t sleep. i dont think i want to.


today is officially the second day but we are already body clock death. so while hes sleeping i’m internetting/watching olympics/observing potential tsunami warnings but we’re okay with it. we still have this entire week so its all good. i’m still thinking about how i’m going to shoot him in these surroundings.

needless to say, this city has blown my mind (you were right gean) and the style these fucking people have is AMAZING. i want to take everyones picture. i feel like such an idiot with this language barrier, it’s beyond difficult. it ends up being a lot of polite smiling and head nodding. the girls here are so adorable, especially in the harajuku district. like the dope ass school girls, or girls in like pink jackets and furry boots and mini skirts — i am so in love. it’s so free.

i’ve been trying to video everytime i can, and god i hate you vimeo for your upload rates but it’s slowly coming along.


yesterday we walked around for like five, six hours and just took the city in. i want to experience it before i take the mamiya out and go camera happy. i want to think about it before i’m just like “this looks cool cause its japan” — i have to think. we had brunch at Boutique Kitsune and i ate an octopus tentacle and freaked out. felt like cracking knuckles. baby steps.

so last night was our first night out because pase was playing at the Le Baron Tokyo (there’s one in Paris, and one in NY) for the JoyRich after party. the people i mentioned before, the la crew on the same flight are here for this store opening, so it was essentially this crazy celebration. (LOVE this girl with the blue hair.)

i took a nap and woke up at midnight and wanted to vomit. and pase is like you ready? and i’m like i want to die. but i put on a 4 dollar dress and heels and got my ass in gear. i stood there quietly for like 45 minutes just watching everyone, all the beautiful girls, the good looking dudes dressed all fly…. it was just weird. felt so out of my element like when i go to new york but it was amazing. so nice to feel ignored and purely spectate. but within the hour i became hype girl for pase because the kids don’t understand “GET YOUR HANDS UP COME ON COME ON” so i basically danced like a moron alone and grabbed everyones hands and made  people dance. it was super fun. “are you a supermodel” is what i was asked. which is so laughable, but really endearing. that would never happen in new york. i think it was my heels, or “are you a dj” which was just as laughable. everyone so sweet though and polite, all wanting the same thing, to just have fun and hear music.

now. an amazing thing happened at le baron. i finally met the one and only Yonehara Yasumasa… otherwise known as the man, otherwise known as YONE.

if i had to compare his fame to a photographer of the same aesthetic, he’d be the fucking japanese terry richardson with the style of bronques but sort of dirtier and way more voyeuristic.

i have always wanted to meet yone, and i facebooked him a while back because we have some music friends in common — but jesus i never thought it’d really occur.

he shot these risque polaroids of pase a while back so naturally they are friends. he came up to me, took my photo, slapped me up, and was the coolest older married dude i’ve ever met. he said “you have to come to my studio” and i nearly freaked. and now, i know homie wants a nude photo but COME ON like — i have to see where this guy shoots, what he does, etc.

yeah the subject matter might be whatever/overdone/etc but there is something to be said about a person who’s created their empire and career in their own country. he has a deal with fuji because he shoots their instant polaroids, and has done endless campaigns, books and shows. i actually like how he photographs girls — it’s…. it’s bizarre. mostly raunchy, but i like the westernized looking asian girls he picks, the blue eye contacts, fake eyelashes, blonde hair. i’m into it. i mean, i can appreciate what it is and peer into another culture.

so we got home like 5am, and i stayed up until like noon. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. and funny fact, outside our window this morning was the fucking tokyo marathon, literally thousands of people just outside our window and on tv at the same time.


it is now 12 hours later, and i think i’m going to wake up pase and see if he wants to walk around shibuya and take some dumb tourist photos. or at least stop his snoring.

bunch of pictures/videos to bombard the internet with. sorry yalllll.


and this tsunami scare is frontin. stop.

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Tokyo Takeover.

February 26, 2010

It took I think an entire day, but I just got to our hotel in Tokyo, Japan.

So I’m here because I’m with my homie Pase and randomly a bunch of LA people in fucking Tokyo who happen to be here at the same time. I’m going to photograph him for a week while he is here for two shows. I really can’t believe I’m here. I’m extremely grateful.

I haven’t been able to process any of it because of the schedule I’ve had.

I literally worked until 6pm Tuesday, moved out of my house, took a bus at 12:45am, arrived in New York City yesterday at 7, watched Seinfeld all day with my friend Aaron, went to bed at 4am, got up at 8am, took a 14 hour flight to Narita Airport, waited 3 hours for Pases’ plane, met up (which bugged me out with not being able to use my phone) and then we all took like a 2 hour bus to Tokyo. Now we just walked into our hotel and it’s 4:47am your time, and 9:47pm here.

I’m here 11 days it should be interesting to say the least. I am so ridiculously happy because I’m a firm believer that things naturally fall into place if you let it. I really believe in that shit. I tried so hard to make Puerto Rico work after graduation. Remember? I just wanted to go somewhere like the day after and not give a fuck. Logistically that couldn’t work. I gave up the idea.

Then I get this amazing call to come to Japan and little time to think about it so I just dove in. I came on a whim. A a huge fucking whim.

Righ now Pase and I are watching Olympic figure skating it’s hilarious. I think we are both delirious, him from LAX and me from JFK. He’s been here like 11 times before, knows his shit, I’m the eager new kid basically all wide eyed pressed against the bus windows. We’re going to go find something to eat and I’m going to act like a tourist and bring 3 cameras and not give a fuck.

Day 1 officially begins now.

PS — I forgot, this blog asked to interview me. I think it’s funny because the answers I gave were ultimately translated into French anyways. C’est la vie. But in summary — they just ask me about my time in New York, and how I got started with photography and how music and photography really have merged into this one weird thing for me. Thanks Pharrell at Fluokids.

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Micky.

February 23, 2010

I met Micky last Saturday and I almost fell to the fucking floor.

He was 45 minutes late and strolled in with his beat up Ramones t-shirt and asked “can I smoke in here?” to the person whose loft it was — not even mine.

Wait backtrack, I got this 6,000 sq loft for some reason Saturday. Yeah. That. Amazing, like fucking amazing. I wrote here earlier saying I wanted to shoot models, and well I did. But I had no where to shoot them. I wrote on Facebook, “Anyone have a place for this Saturday I may use?” And this amazing dude Jonathan said “I have a 6,000 sq loft in Brooklyn, its yours if you want.”

Now yeah. I was initially creeped out. Naturally. I’m a girl. Then I read into it and he explained he really just wanted to help out and thought I had a good eye. So I’m like hmmm… okay! I mean, where else am I gonna shoot three dudes. So I show up last Saturday like on three hours sleep from that party where I shot Uffie and meet essentially, this stranger and shoot 3 models I never met.

Now, when I got this package sent to me, I noticed that Mikhael dude hard. I was like oh my god. He’s the one. So I optioned 2 others just because testing is tricky and had all three come. So homie is like, 45 minutes late and I’m like this bad ass isn’t going to come.

Luckily the amazinnnnnnnggg Steph Flor (thanks girl) came to do my grooming, otherwise I would have been struggling. It’s amazing what make up and nice hair do to a dude, complete fucking transformation.

So Micky, as he wants to be called, strolls in, 18 years old, been a model for like 8 days and makes fun of me the whole day. But he was amazing. I’m like, infatuated with him. Has that ever happened to you? Like, just like a muse? It used to be Cristina for me, when I was like a lesbian for a month. He’s so young, and like new, it’s crazy I don’t know. I hope to shoot him again. He’s from Request, they have dopppppe male models, ESPECIALLY THE ONE AND ONLY COLE MOHR (marry me) and just did this shoot with Kanye’s giiiiiirlllll, check the video out it’s pretty sweet/bizarre.

It went great, I mean I was really rusty but whatever, shot some film, well it was all film. Attached is a picture someone took of me in the loft, and camera phone pictures. I love documenttttinnnnnng.

I am writing tonight because tomorrow night I will be going to New York to take my flight to Tokyo Thursday morning. I’ll be in New York less then a day (booo) but in Shinjuku, Tokyo this weekend (yayyy) Yes weird, I’m going to Japan. It’s going to be a huge mind fuck. I can’t say what I’m doing there, I really want to though. It’s honestly not a big deal. It’s nothing real dope. Jesus I wish. I mean the trip is, but what I’m doing is not. It’s a slight graduation present from a friend slash/photo request. I can when I come back March 10th. I tried buying Xanax for my flight but no one came through. Fuck. I am going to bug the hell out. I leave Thursday from JFK at 11:30 and get to Narita Airport at like 3 in the godamn afternoon in the FUTURE. My friend does not arrive until a couple hours later. So I’ll be chillin in Japan sticking out like a sore fucking thumb. I’m stoked.

I of course can’t wait to photograph but I can’t wait to just be exposed to new shit. I’m like so ready. It’s weird, this is what I talked about on the blog a while ago, that I wanted to just go away like 3 days after graduation, but financially I couldn’t do Puerto Rico. Japan came out of no where, I literally found out like two and a half weeks ago. It’s going to be crazy to not have internet for a while or use my phone. That thing is sutured to my hand. It’ll be nice to disconnect though, I keep forgetting that’s what I wanted also.

I received good news today, thank God. The publicist for Uffie said everyone really liked the pictures (yea those 35mm last minute ones) and will be used as her press photos after all. Apparently Elle and Nylon (o hai) want to use one as well. So for now I can’t blast them on the internet. But I really want tooooooooo,  mean look at herrrrr.

This is probably the last post for a while….

So I wanted to say thanks for all the comments, negative or positive on Sun & Wed, and although I keep to myself in school and don’t really ever interact with anyone on this blog, it’s been a nice four years with you, and wish everyone the best of luck, finish school and do what you want.

x,

y

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Not according to plan.

February 18, 2010

Needless to say, the Uffie shoot……… well. OK so It didn’t run as smoothly as it should have. And I don’t want to talk shit, because there’s nothing to be said besides, the scheduled thing didn’t happen. I had 20 rolls of 120 waiting to be used. An assistant, everything. Then shit hit the fan. (Hey Brendan it’s cool I’m not mad!)
Seriously that isn’t sarcasm. In the moment yeah sure, I was upset, but mostly because when I come to do a job, I come to do it. And I knew I would have done a dope job. Yeah I was sort of there to party to but, man I was dead ass on this photo. But, this has happened to me countless amount of times with musician schedules/publicists/etc so I’ve learned not to get real bummed and just think of an alternative really quickly.

After the shoot was cancelled in the afternoon, I chilled at home until I went to Terminal 5 for this party. where Uffie was going to be performing. Anna and her publicist suggested I do it at the venue instead. Not ideal for a Mamiya RB and 160 NC film. I have no digital camera. Nothing. So I brought what I had and made due. I was there anyway to see friends and shit but I really wanted the picture by this point. I waited till Anna performed, and chilled in the green room.
She was really sweet and apologized for it being cancelled and explained she wasn’t ready. Like I get it, homegirl is busy. So all of a sudden she just said “let’s do it now!” and I’m like “uhhhhh” and I took her to a separate green room and just did it. I mean. Not my thing. But it was fun. It made me just shut the fuck up about it and just shoot. Yeah it wasn’t 120. Yeah it wasn’t on a tripod. Yeah yeah yeah. And I’m almost still like “what if,” like if we had gotten to do it proper, but girl knows how to work that camera that’s for fucking sure. And it was extremely intimate and damn dude I dont know. She’s cute! Being alone in a room with her… yeah. Was not mad.

I can’t show the photos because they need to remain exclusive but Brendan (hi!) already knows I put this one up, so I see no harm.


My little point and shoot that could, honestly. Pushed the shit out of that camera. I think it did me the favor. But it takes fun candids as well. Bought it for like 8 dollars walking around Bedford in the summer. This is the second time I’ve ever used it.



Oh yeah…………… I think I’m allowed to say now. I’m probably not but. I’m going to JAPAN NEXT THURSDAY.

PEACE SCHOOL ITS BEEN REAL,

Y

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With your cracked out face

February 10, 2010

I am going to New York tomorrow night (Sorry Eric, I am missing your class) because I am shooting Uffie. If you know me, or anything about me, I am pretty fucking ecstatic. I love that girl man, like. Love. I didn’t say anything on Sun & Wed because I didn’t want to jinx it, or preemptively celebrate, but their publicist asked me a couple weeks ago.

I’m thanking Brendan at Biz 3 right now for working his scheduling magic, thank youuuuuuuuuu.

The musician thing isn’t really new to me. I have no idea why I’m so excited. I think because I think she’s the shit. And because she’s a chick in a male dominated field, like well… us female photographers. And she’s doing her thing, and I think that’s fucking cool. Also I need more interaction with photographing women, I lack that. Absolutely lack that.

The weird thing is I was already planning to be in the city the 12th for a friends party and then I get this email asking if I’m still in the city/am around to shoot her. I was like jumping up and down. But with a label/publicist/manager/etc etc, nailing down a date is usually nerve wrecking. It finally was confirmed tonight so now I get to calm down. It’s actually going to be at the Bowery where almost a year ago I assisted Tom and BROKE THAT PROFOTO STROBE. Let’s just hope their hotel curse isn’t still there man.
Universe, don’t break my shit.

I have twelve days of RIT’s wrath. Let me just say I could not be more happy and scared at the same goddamn time.
You’ll soon feel it when it’s 2 months, 1 month away, I felt it — but now that it’s literally days, I’m feeling ten emotions at once.
You know, really happy, worried, overwhelmed, exhausted, defeated, optimistic… etc. I’ve been in school five years, to me it’s like, shit it’s really over? I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel about it yet. I’m ready. I think I’m ready. Shit ok. I am ready.

I’m looking forward tomorrow this weekend extremely, everything should run smoothly unless winter truly is against us. I hope no ones flight is cancelled or that Arob and I don’t get snowed in before our afternoon drive tomorrow. Everyone’s freaking me out. YEAH I GET IT IT’S SNOWING. I am more concerned with the distance between there and here and highways being shut down. Blah outta my face if it doesn’t work. I will probably be in a corner crying. Or frantically searching for a flight. Yup!

I decided while I’m there for the weekend partying (preemptively celebrating graduation) I should do some work. It’s a rarity but some people are in fact nice on the internet. This guy is lending me his 6,000 sq ft loft in Brooklyn Saturday to shoot. I’m more than grateful. I’m going to test with three male models, it was hard to pull. I forget it’s Fashion Week in New York so everyone’s busy as fuck. No grooming (Luckily I just snagged one) no make up, no stylists available, and DEFINITELY no female models around. I think it’s time for me to branch out — I’d like to shoot fashion, or uh err… stylized portraiture.

I feel bad that I can’t add photos on here to share. I really do. But I’m scrambling to pass classes, graduate, oh move out in about 12 days, and get ready to go to another planet. I’m not allowed to say on the internet yet but, I’m going somewhere the 25th and basically disappearing off the face of the earth for two weeks. As my own graduation present as well, I’m going to Miami the third week of March. I’d like to think it’s a present at least. Last March I was busting my ass moving to New York trying not to have a mental breakdown.

THIS year I’ve decided I’ve earned a reward. So, I’m going to travel and photograph for a straight month and come back April and reflect. Ideally I’d like to kill everything from my website and start fresh with the knowledge and skills I have now.

I’m rambling. It’s almost as if the circuits in my brain are just fizzing out. This must be what it’s like to embark on graduation.

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Hi Look Book

February 3, 2010

I really don’t know why I’ve never thought of it. I mean I know why I guess, I don’t have models. I don’t have clothes. No fashion. I hate this. Rochester, fuck. Hate you.

But I think with school coming to an end so soon (20 fucking days) the wires in my brain are sort of like fizzing and freaking out.

I rarely just bust out with ideas or concepts. I’m that like “long term project” person. And part of that deals with school meddling with creativity. Oh shit, I have this due Thursday, so I can’t do this. And so on.

I believe that knowing I’ll be done soon and realizing all the free time I’ll have, ideas are finally spewing out.

And I’m finally getting excited about attempting images I’ve never made before — projects that I assumed were unattainable.

I recently just photographed a girl for a class that works at Thread. Shortly afterward I realized, why don’t I ask them for a trade? I’ve actually never done that. I think I’ve been apathetic, like “”yeahhh they wouldn’t do it.” Or “who would model” and then just giving up. So apparently the dude agreed, and even spoke about huge window displays of the photos.

We’re shooting it Saturday at our apartment, Eric’s going to style, and I hope I can get Ryan Haigh to do some mock up design, illustrating it as a “look book” or “photo essay.” I want to make sure that even if they don’t use them, even if they HATE them, Eric and I can still use this in our books and on our websites. Adding text to a series of images suddenly make them stand out like crazy. It might not be the best fashion, but for it to look complete as a whole, I really feel that design really adds to the success.

When I came home that night, I was on such a like… art high. Yeah I just fucking said that. I think we had just discussed photographs and what we want to do for 3 hours all stoned and I came back really inspired.

And that’s when I messaged two companies.

Two eye wear companies, one seemed like they’d do it, but I didn’t know. The other I didn’t have the balls to write, but still did.

Han Kjøbenhavn wrote me back the next day saying they felt as if my work was “down their alley” (Oh Denmark) and “yea lets do a trade, what do you want from us?” I was just kind of like wait what. I didn’t even think they’d read my email. They are currently doing Copenhagen Fashion Week so they said the would send a package after those two weeks and that they were excited to see what I’d produce for them.

Uh oh. Yeah, scary. I’ve never done that. Like a client but, not really. There’s no real monetary pressure to succeed. But of course yeah I want to. My brains been imploding with ideas and images. There is a 90% chance I will shoot it in New York. I’m thinking of asking old modeling agency contacts to see if I can get some pretty emaciated boys for a couple hours. Speaking about the project with people, resources are slowly coming along. I actually have this amazing woman, Staci Child willing to do the grooming if it happens, she does hair for NYLON shoots all the time. She does hair like a mad woman. Excellent work. And excellent credentials/portfolio.
I’m not sure if I can really pull it off in Rochester. I don’t think so.

The second company, SUPER, that I didn’t have balls to write actually responded to me yesterday afternoon. It was a challenge. It seemed harder to pull off. Someone from their Press department contacted me asking what magazine I was with, or what affiliations I had. Suddenly I had to like… PITCH something to this woman over in Italy through an email. I’ve never done that either. Like, what can you do for US? I thought whatever, I’ll never see this person in my life, just go for it. I wrote some paragraph that I can’t remember. I just know I said I can make you a series of 15-20 images that can provide circulation over the internet and create a buzz for your brand and it won’t cost you anything. I also provided my website, etc, but explained I didn’t have current affiliations with any sort of magazine or publicity agency, I was merely just asking for a trade that would potentially benefit both of parties.
She was really appreciative that I was excited about their brand, (UH HAVE YOU SEEN HOW AWESOME THEIR GLASSES ARE?) and said sure, she’d send a package as long as I returned it and was thrilled to see the images.

So I guess that’s it. That’s where my head is at.

I don’t know. I’m excited, like really excited, but nerve wrecked. I have this weird fucking fascination with just seeing what happens when you put yourself out there. I get rejected a lot sure, and most people never answer me back — but if your ambitions are serious enough and you are driven, jump into shit — honestly, everything is worth a shot.

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Dear Internet

January 24, 2010

I think I’m approaching a mental breakdown. Perhaps not mental, but definitely emotional. I think today is exactly a month or so I have left at RIT. Time really escaped my grasp.
And what is really killing me is the back and forth conversation I have with myself every single day of what I’m going to do.
Some days I’m on that vacation tip. Like, I’m mad adamant I’m going to bounce and just do work.
Other days I say I’m going to live here and “save money.”
Then I become irrational and I say fuck all and think I’m going to go to New York the day after I’m done with my final crit.

It’s hard man, like it’s haaaard. I think I should take a break especially since I didn’t have a summer vacation really. I still worked. The part that was “vacation” was it being in New York. But then sometimes I convince myself I don’t need one and I just want to fucking go.

I can’t deal. I’ve been talking to everyone about it. Trying to find some clarity through discussion. The decision is killing me. It’s very different for me because I grew up here so there’s a real urgency to want to leave. My family situation is also unconventional, and they are in no real position to help me financially. Then I think about being 22 and what’s the rush. Then homie like Kareem tells me this is the time I SHOULD be rushing so I can relax later. I understand there’s no real pressure and I’m really causing it to manifest in my head…

By the way I can’t even like… have my brain settle from LA. I was in LA? Like, what? I still don’t get it. I went with 3 Australians I barely knew. I do a lot of weird shit. I don’t know. It makes for good stories. I ended up yelling at the one who bought me the ticket and leaving the hotel. ~*drAma*~. I think I made amends. Whatever they’re all back in Sydney and Perth in the fucking future 12 hours from now.

Besides it being a random free trip to LA, I did want to experience the polar opposite of New York. Nice weather, driving, houses, all that. And I feel like since I rep New York so hard I can’t judge other places, I should see them. LA was cool and all but that’s a fantasy. I could never live there. I think it takes a certain kind of person. And that person isn’t me. I drove around with this girl the whole time stoning and being amazed at celebrity houses. We bought star maps. I needed to know where Keanu chills at I guess. Like, I can’t have that. I need the winter to kick my ass. I need the L train to fucking stop at Lorimer so I can take a bus to Morgan and make it 2 hours to get home. I need that hustle. Otherwise I am fucking unmotivated. No hate on LA though! You treated me right.

Man though, so fun to visit. AND GUESS WHAT I DIDN’T SHOOT. SURPRISE. I think I was there like 29 hours. I had like… no time. Oh but to go back for like a week or so, I so would love it. Just to photograph. I’m giving credit to Rachel for driving the Aussies and I around and showing us crazy shit. I’ve only been to like 2 states in my life and never overseas. So it was really important to me.

I brought my bb G10. Just shot stupid stuff. Parties. Whatever. Aussies. I don’t know. It was nice to just not be here for a weekend and think about photography and school. And my life.

I want to make work so bad but my mind is in a weird place right now. I have an overwhelming amount of shit to think about. Yeah sure it’s not the end of the world, Jesus of course not. And it might seem like I’m, “WAH WAHHHHHH LIFES HARD” but I don’t know, writing it out on Sunday & Wednesday really helps me think it through. Or at least let it out. I think all of our situations are ridiculously unique. We all want to take different routes. I might be rushing but, I can’t help what my heart’s telling me.
Like I said, I absolutely am the one putting the pressure on myself — but who else is going to?

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39 days left

January 14, 2010

And I’m FUCKING DONE.

There’s not too much to celebrate though, I mean honestly, there’s not. I’m not moving to New York a week after or anything, I’ll be chilling here so, I mean…. it’s blah.
I’d like to think like, holy shit I’m graduating, but I don’t really. I’m just like, “Next.” Waiting for the next step. I’m really impatient like, if I could move there right now, you know I would. I mean what doesn’t come out of my mouth that involves the city, yeah I get it. SHUT UP. But I like striking while the iron is err uhhh hot, so to speak, and I don’t want to be lazy and lose steam. I also know having SIXTY DOLLARS to my name, isn’t going to get me to New York, soooo trying to be smart about it. Or something like that.

I’m going to LA tomorrow, well “Friday” 4 in the morning be at the airport. No idea what to expect I just know everyone in LA is like “your brains going to explode” so I’m almost ready for that. Kinda. I made a hard decision today which was, “digital or film” I don’t know if anyone has that battle but I FUCKING DO. I can’t like.. shoot digital. I just can’t. No it’s not the elitist thing, or it looking “worse,” I mean, I know I can edit to make it APPEAR to be film, it’s the whole process. I know I shoot differently in digital, I know I do. And by differently I mean, WORSE. WAY WORSE. But I know it always wasn’t like that. I know I used to like, check out a Mark III everyday until I realized I loved medium format. I figure, I have to attempt it sooner or later so let’s go.
I don’t know what it is, if I like maintaining consistency, no idea, I know I DO hate 35mm format, so skinny and just… hate it. I also DO know I can’t shoot goddamn 6×7 forever or so THEY TELL ME. Again! Fader dude infiltrated my brain. Asked if I shoot 6×7, I said yes. But he explained it’s important to not limit yourself, which I so think is true. I know there’s tons of shit I can’t do with film. Aside from the fact that I can’t even afford more than 10 frames of each person, they usually are stagnant, I can’t really have them move or do “mid action” things, and I’d like to explore that more.
Also since I’ll be in LA literally like a day and a half aside from travel, I don’t want to lug an RB around, and tripod, so not worth it. I’d actually like to enjoy the time there. I sort of can’t even afford to shoot 120 right now. Sick of spending $40 bucks to enjoy five shots thoroughly. I might bring my Ricoh 35mm around to parties, that’s all I have planned so far. Nothing during the day. Probably a shit ton of smoking and sitting on the beach. I’m not mad at that.

Back to the graduation shit — so, I’ve been thinking. I never elaborated on the conversation I had with Fader Photo Editor, John Francis Peters but it really left me thinking. He kind of just confronted my rush to NY. Asking why, saying I have time. Like I said I’m just impatient to start. He suggested I just take time to just make work, and bring it around to people, that it would impress people way more, a body of work, not portrait after portrait. Which to you know, each his own but I do agree with that. So, I might just do this.

I never talk about this here, or in general but yes I am from Puerto Rico and I was born in San Juan. I left when I was four. Only my mother, “step father” (long story) and sister (half — another story) live here with me.

Unlike many that interact with their cousins, grandparents on the regular, or at least see them once a year, I do not. I really can’t tell you what family is. I sort of am … on my own. I’ve been doing my own thing for a while. With the once in a while $50 bucks from my parents, it’s just me really. That’s why it was so easy for me to bounce last year and go to NY. Nothing holds me back. And to be quite frank, in high school I separated myself from my family even more so because I am bipolar, which at the time I didn’t really grasp. Thought it was teenage angst, uhh er it wasn’t.

No I don’t take “medication” but within recent years I’ve realized how not to get so angry at people. But give me a break I’m fucking latina, how do you know what pisses me off? Anyways, I mention this because it also hasn’t helped my whole… detachment I have felt with my family. I pretty much always felt really Americanized… and just not fully there. I went to Puerto Rico when I was 15 and I didn’t get it. Though it was just dope to see the beach.

Went again when I was 19, brought that Mark III I was talking about, and photographed a bunch but you know still didn’t really GET IT.

To add to another level, I’ve actually never met my real father in my adult life. Don’t know the story, I just uh, don’t know him. I’ve met my direct cousins like… once. I cried a bunch. It’s like I get it’s family, but I don’t, simply because I can’t. I have another sister named Tanya who lives in Puerto Rico. Met her once. Don’t really know her. We have the same father, different mothers. My sister here who I just refer to as my sister instead of half, we have same mothers, different fathers. Listen Puerto Ricans do this shit. Mad all over the place. Until I went to college my name was actually “Perez-Nater” Perez being my real father’s, Nater’s being my mothers. But white people don’t play that two last name game and got rid of Nater. Thanks yall.

So if this isn’t enough unnecessary history well — I think I’ve decided to go to Puerto Rico for a while after graduating. The talk with Fader dude really made me realize like, slow the fuck down… reconnect. My last fight with the internet leaving me to be like “Shit I gotta disconnect” has also added to this. It would be nice to not use my phone, not have such accessibility to a computer (don’t have a laptop) and just take a shit load of 120 and do it up. Maybe even meet my real father, exploit him for a photo. That’s a joke sort of but, I probably would. I have a lot of disconnect in that area anyways where I think I could do it. I mean Jesus who knows.

So that’s it sorta. I have a lot to think about. I wanted to throw all that out there since I think, or well, I know the impression of me is pretty surface level and… superficial. But we all have our shit no one knows, I’m just simply laying it out there.

I think a couple weeks in Puerto Rico will do me good. Fuck, even USE Spanish for Christs sake (I uh, retort in English while my parents speak Spanish) and just photograph and enjoy simple living. Clear my mind before I attack New York. Cause I’m certainly attacking that shit.

For the visual people, I do have another photo. My boy Luca again, Drop The Lime. It was hard for me to not think of the other photo but we tried and I’m into it.

lucawindow

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Hey welcome back.

January 6, 2010

I woke up at 6:00 yesterday after being out til 3:00 and packed, cabbed to the airport, arrived at 11:30am in Rochester, went to work at 1pm before Robert told me to go home. I looked so cracked out. I mean, I AM cracked out.
I didn’t shoot as much as I wanted to in New York because logistically it sucked, rationally it sucked, it all just sucked. I mean, I had a fucking incredible week, but in terms of shooting, it was just too cold! Too cold to bring anyone out, everyone too busy with holidays to meet up, blah. I never have enough time in New York. It was so amazing. The best New Years Eve of my life.
I spent New Years Eve with some Australian dude and his 2 “mates” it was fucking awesome. They were at my friends party. Who knew they were so sassy down unda. I hung out with them in their LES sublet for a couple days but they left for Cancun Monday on some America tour… I wish I had gotten to photograph them. But now this Aussie bought me a plane ticket next week to go to LA which I’ve never been to at all!! Never been out west, I’m pretty stoked. I don’t think I’d even have enough time to photograph there but, I can try I guess.
After not sleeping until 6:00am, I cabbed home, showered, took the train back to meet the Photo Editor of The Fader.

Now like, you don’t understand. I fucking LOVE FADER. It’s the shit I want to do completely. Natural work… musicians, culture, bah. I love the photographers they use, this chick Dorothy Hong who we used to hire at NYLON (now she freelances) was the old Photo Editor. She was named one of PDN Top 30 photographers in 07 I believe. She’s super cute and uses an RZ. Anyways, if you go to her site and hit “Tears” all of the work I’ve always loved in Fader are basically hers.

Anyways I was pretty nervous, we discussed photography for like two hours, I asked if he’d look at my book (uh nerve wrecking) and then we walked to Union Square talking about… life and fucking prostitutes. He was a good dude. Gave me so much goddamn insight. All he had to say was, “What are you trying to say” (with my book) and I was stumped. I guess I am still figuring out my work. It’s weird when you have that realization. Like, “Shit what am I doing?”

Work related, I went to Esquire to talk to an alum over some sushi, and I had an Interview at well… Interview. It was an amazing experience. Always anxiety inducing but, I’ve done so many now that it feels okay to do even though Interview’s office intimidated the shit out of me.
If I were to give advice, not that anyone would take it, I’d say talk to whoever you can honestly. I know people think I’m this like, snobby social butterfly and am into myself. But if you put yourself out there, like really put yourself out there, it fucking pays off. I’ve emailed hundreds, hundreds of people, most don’t write back. I don’t take that to heart, I just keep going, it pushes me even harder to succeed. And let’s say I don’t ever land anything at Fader instantly, at least now he knows me.
Everything pays off — in this weird way, it just does one day, it sort of falls into place.
Next month graduation here I commmmmme!

I finally scanned some film today, here’s Michelle, adorable and willing to take off her jacket in 8º weather for a second. I think if I were ever to shoot fashion in my own weird way, this is how I’d do it. Absolutely.

Michelle Salem

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