Nikki Graziano

Philadelphia, PA (April, 2010)

Nate and I, Philadelphia, PA (April, 2010)

Natalie (April, 2010)

I’m in a rut. I’ve been in a rut all year. I went to submit for the Honors Show last week and realized that I hadn’t made any work that I was satisfied with all year. Here’s some recent stuff. I’ve actually felt like shooting and making work lately and that’s surprising enough. Haven’t really been able to get that far for, at best, months.

I also thought about photography in a math class for the first time in a while. We were talking about graph theory in Discrete II and the only thing I could think of was making work with it. When I went on hiatus with the math stuff I didn’t want to come back to it until I actually felt something towards the project again. So. We’ll see what happens.

Senior show is on Friday. How did that happen.

Last week upon registering for Spring quarter, I came to the realization that I should’ve been taking a certain math class all this quarter. It’s a prerequisite for almost all of the classes I have left to take, and if I want to be out of here by the end of this Summer, I should’ve been in it starting eight weeks ago. So, after a little freaking out and sending e-mails and going to meetings, I was given three weeks to teach myself the entire course and test out of it with a 75% or higher at 11 a.m. on Friday, February 12. Next friday.

Needless to say, I’ve been doing almost nothing but Discrete Mathematics since then. (I don’t expect anyone to click that link, but if you’re interested, it’s there. Fuchs?) Also? Just for good measure? I’m going on this math endeavor on top of already taking 19 credits and working 21 hours a week.

Discrete Math, for those who want the book report, is exactly what it sounds like: secret math; the shit that goes on behind the scenes; the stuff that allows the whole show to run properly. The how and why. How math works and why it’s viable to trust it as truth.

So I’ve been extremely over caffeinated, over-exhausted and stuck in math-trance for a few days now–that’s probably a really big chunk of reason for what I’m about to say, maybe. So we all know that I nerd out, right? And yeah it’s funny, yeah we’re all aware, okay okay, whatever. Setting that aside, guys? This stuff is really, really beautiful. I think it’s safe to say that if I had the time right now to really heavily think about it, I’d potentially tear up a bit. (But I don’t have the time to do that, so, moving on…)

I was explaining my situation to someone at work last night and they responded with ah, you’ll be fine, you’re a math whiz, you’ll totally test out without a problem! It was flattering but I didn’t really believe it, you know, casual politeness, thanks but whatever? That kind of thing. Cause I’m not a math whiz. Really. I’m not.

Honestly? I’m a B/C student in Math. I bullshitted (bullshat?) my way through AP Calc in high school. I was good at it, it fit my schedule, it was interesting when I cared, but I didn’t really care ever. I was ~going to art school~ so I didn’t take the AP Exam. Passed the class by memorizing for tests, graduated with a 3.5. Cause I just simply did not care enough to truly learn it.

Two years later at Brookdale, the summer after I started my minor, I bullshitted my way through Calc 1 again. Passed it, got credit. Failed Calc 2 the following fall. Struggled pretty hard with Calc 3 and Calc 4. Pulled off C’s, so I got credit. Complex Variables right now? Kicking my ass. 100% totally kicking my ass. It’s impressive to you kids in SPAS, and thanks (really), but a C student in the School of Math? A total joke. C Students in Building 8 are Lazy with a capital L. So Discrete? Yeah okay. Totally screwed in one way or another.

After I was done being (pretty) hard on myself, I thought about it objectively. For a while. And I realized just how incredibly unfair that is. Because I’m working harder at being a C student than a lot of people are working at being A students. Because I’m not bad at math. I’m actually pretty good at math. I’m good at math and that’s because I actually care about it now. It took ~art school~ for me to care about math. It’s beautiful now, and I want to know why. I absolutely love it. I want to have a really deep understanding of how everything works. I’m passionate about what I’m doing. I’m passionate about numbers. I get excited. I’m more inspired and excited by the beauty within math than I am with most of the contemporary art world right now.

What I’m bad at? I’m bad at school. I’m bad at RIT. That’s the problem. I’m bad at memorizing to pass a test. I’m bad at accepting things for what they are (see also). I’m bad at RIT because my ultimate goal with this minor is to learn something, to understand and appreciate it, not to pass classes. And that seems to be what most everyone in the Science Programs and SMS are trying to do: Pass classes. Play video games. Get a degree. Get a job. Play video games. Have money. Buy a house. Retire comfortably, preferably playing video games.

I know of way too many Deans List students in SMS who are on Deans List only because, frankly? Because they don’t give a shit. It’s not everyone, I’m not trying to making a blank generalization here, but because they can accept what’s in front of them and not think about it, they’re good at school. They get an A. The system works for them. They don’t get hung up on details and they don’t waste time in a ten-week system trying to ask any questions. So for the 14,000-some-odd kids at this school, I know very very few people who are passionate about Math and Science, who believe in it and are personally (not financially) invested in it. This is what Art School taught me. To be personally invested in something.

And what really breaks my heart is that RIT even caters to this. These are the kids that function well in this school. Example: my textbook right now is called, “Complex Variables for Scientists and Engineers.” Last week in class my professor accidently started talking about Mandelbrot. This man never makes sense in class, by the way. And he made sense. For once. Talking about Mandelbrot. But, he cut himself off because “that’s not in this course.” (Photo kids: Mandelbrot is the Stieglitz of Complex numbers.) A few minutes later? Returned to mindless preaching and not making sense.

So I’ve been trying to find someone to help me with this class, because as I’ve stated, it’s kicking my ass. It’s upsetting. Because it’s beautiful material, I’ve done enough recreational research on Complex Numbers to know it. I’m so personally invested  in it, but the professor and the class structure make no sense. It’s because they leave so much out of the curriculum. There’s not enough time in ten weeks to teach theory, to teach beauty, to teach the how and why, and these kids need to be able to be engineers, god damnit! Not Mandelbrot deux. And you know what? I can’t find anyone to tutor me in Complex. Because everyone I talk to “took that class but doesn’t remember anything.” HEY RIT! Would you look at that! No one learned anything! They all memorized and faked their way through it! High five: the system is beyond broken!

Yesterday I met with one of the only people in SMS that’s bending over backwards trying to help me with what I’m doing, the amazing Anna Fiorucci. While we were talking a professor stopped by and they briefly talked about a really intelligent student that’s struggling to be in school merely because of politics (financial aid, has kids, works full time, etc.). The guy said something along the lines of, “he’ll never be able to get any work done in an environment like that, with so many people around him all the time, he needs some quality alone time to do math.” I don’t know, it was heartbreaking to hear a faculty member say that, especially when I’m sure they know who Paul Erdös is and what he did for mathematics as a social activity, how successful he was at it, what an amazing human being, etc. It just made me think like, wow, this is why almost no one at this school truly believes that math is a really beautiful and dynamic thing, so many of the faculty members are either furthering the mindset that everyone’s already in or just not convincing them of otherwise.

I’m going to throw a shameless plug for the one and only Paul Wilson in here, because I am convinced that he is by far the most amazing math professor at RIT, or at least that I’ve had enough luck to encounter. Funny thing is? A lot of students really can’t stand him. And I suspect it’s because he cares. And he expects his students to care. And if they don’t care, he’ll do his best to drill them until they’re forced to care (be it about math or about a grade). Alright, that’s all.

The same problems exist in SPAS. Western Art? That class would be amazing if we weren’t forced weekly to memorize thirty paintings that look almost identical and were all made within 20 years of each other. Because you know what that class did for me and I suspect a lot of other people? It made me hate painting and sculpture. For a year and a half. Until Chip Sheffield reassured me of otherwise and made me care about art.

M&P? Please. I love math, and even I hated that class. It’s memorization. It’s do what Nanette says to do. It’s repetition. It’s don’t try to make sense of it. It’s follow rules, monkey see monkey do, it’s schoolwork, it’s not education. Can anyone but Rob Luessen tell me what sensitometry is and why it’s pretty cool? Right now? Eh. At the end of freshman year I looked at my M&P book and realized that it’s actually really interesting material. I kinda liked reading it on my own. But I didn’t learn a god damn thing from taking that class. I just learned how to pass it.

I could go on. But recently I was told by a SPAS professor that my peers and I don’t work hard enough. It wasn’t the first time that a SPAS professor had said this, either. It still really upsets me. Because I’m truly working my ass off. I haven’t slept more than 5 hours in a night in pretty long time. I forget to eat. I exhaust myself just about every day to be at this school. I drink too much coffee, so that I can do too much work, and then maybe be able to keep up with the course load that my education expects of me. I’m not complaining though, I’m not, because I’m doing what I know I love and at the end of the day (okay, quarter) I’m happy. And most everyone I know? They’re all doing the same thing. We’re all working our asses off, and if being bad at pointless busywork, being bad at working the system, is what qualifies us as “not working hard enough,” then I guess so be it. It’s just that it’s not a fair accusation.

I’m not really sure what I’m expecting to get as a response from this. But I’m done.

Some new stuff. I don’t have much to say. This is all from New Jersey visits. Your thoughts are extremely welcome.

Revere Court, Howell NJ, November 2009.

Mom and Missy Falling Asleep Watching TV, Howell NJ, December 2009.

Kacie, Freehold NJ, November 2009.

Kacie with Closed Eyes, Freehold NJ, November 2009.

The Bush That’s Tied to the House, Howell NJ, December 2009.

Mom Outside Target, Howell NJ, November 2009.

Tree With Lights in the Front Yard Covered In Snow, Howell NJ, December 2009.

Gina Outside Panera on a Cloudy Day, Howell NJ, November 2009.

Garbage Outside the Mall that Looks Like a Rabbit, Freehold NJ, November 2009.

Balloons at the Manalapan Diner, Manalapan NJ, November 2009.

I’ve decided that over Thanksgiving break I’m going to start a new series on Freehold.

Recently I came to the realization that a lot of the people I used to care about and surround myself with are no longer in my life. All of a sudden, it’s been four years since all of my ‘best friends’ and I really spent time together. All of a sudden they’re not my ‘best friends’, and all of a sudden I don’t miss them as much as I used to, and  all of a sudden I’ve been so wrapped up in figuring out who I am and what the hell I’m doing for four years now. And now people that used to be part of my world, are halfway across the world, and I haven’t talked to them in months upon months– aside from asking on Facebook for an address to send letters to, only to write a letter and never send it. And I never sent it because I forgot, not even because I didn’t want to send it. Everything unintentional and idle has somehow built up into a huge pile of change, and all of a sudden, I’m a completely different human being than I used to be. But I guess the most staggering part about it all… is that I’m okay with it. It’s uncomfortable. It’s uncomfortable because I can’t believe how fast time is moving now. It’s uncomfortable because four years used to be a lot. And now it’s not. My whole perception of time is thrown off. And it’s just really, really… strange. Not upsetting.

I also talked to my parents yesterday for a bit. And my mother asked me to, while I’m home, clear out my room in their house, so that it could be used as a guest room or storage or something. I’ve already essentially moved out. And I’m fully aware of that. And I’m also fully aware that I don’t plan on ever living with my parents again. So it’s completely rational to get my shit out of their hair. But it was so final to hear that. The period at the end of a chapter. Once again just uncomfortable, not upsetting. …But slightly upsetting because it’s not upsetting. Does that make sense?

Well it’s all got me thinking. A lot. About Freehold. About time. About my passion for geography. About why I pushed so hard to get the hell out of there, and forget about it, move on from it, whatever it was that I did. And then stutter and stammer just a little bit while I’m saying my goodbyes? I have such a strange relationship with that place. Shit, and I’m forced into going back there. That’s supposed to be home. And it’s not. I don’t know what is yet, but Freehold is most certainly not it. When I’m there, it’s like… I don’t know. It’s just I’m just watching everything happen and watching all these people put a show on for everyone else. And I really just want to ask everyone who they think they’re kidding. But I can’t. Because I don’t have a place to anymore. Or maybe I never did. But it’s an issue, either way. And I’m starting to think that it’s just a personal issue. Like it’s just something I have to work out in my head. Where this place and these people stand in the big scheme of Nikki Graziano. And maybe, being here for four years now, I’ve (and maybe we’ve all) just molded into a person who works things out in my head through photographing, like whatever’s going on in there, it’s gonna subconsciously work it’s way out in a series of images. I suppose I can thank RIT for that. I’m really not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, really.

But it’s also kinda like a final sentence in an essay. Like it still sounds weird and inconclusive, even after you’ve rewritten it twenty-six different times AND thought about it for a few days. Everything is so familiar, to the point of exhaustion. But each time I’ll notice something I never noticed before. Just something really small and unimportant. Or some small thing will have changed ever so slightly. Or I’m expecting it to have changed, and it hasn’t, and then it’s uncomfortable how the same everything is. And all of a sudden… I’m a foreigner. The sentence just doesn’t belong. It’s just not satisfying. And I have to rewrite it. Time and time again. For a really stupid essay topic. That I just want to hand in already and take a C+ on.

So anyway. I’ll be doing that as a personal project from next Sunday until… whenever. Trying to get all of that out in images and text. Like maybe I can move on once I’ve addressed it and gotten something from it. I hope this made some sort of sense. That’s a stupid closing sentence.

and I’m okay with it. Tomorrow will be the first work-productive day I’ve had in over a week. Pseudo-vacation was nice but honestly I’m bored. And I’ve felt like I’m waiting for something to happen for weeks now. I’m not sure why, or what it is I’m even anticipating. But I made a summer resolution to (at least try to) get back into little videos. One frame per second is becoming a weird sort of anxious security blanket. Resolution so far so good, I guess. (Sidenote: Not only did Vimeo take a good four hours to upload and process this, it doesn’t seem to like stop motion, or processing my videos correctly. I don’t know why and I’ve always had this problem. But I think this is the best it’s gonna get. Thanks for nothing, vimeo.)

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